Days 8, 9 & 10... L O V E

Day 8: Do you love yourself?

Yes, but not as much as I should...

Day 9: ...why or why not?

I love myself because I'm fucking awesome! Im beautiful inside and out and im just all around dope. I know I could  Love myself more because I don't treat myself to the highest standards that I want for myself.

Day 10: How  Can you love yourself more today?

I can embrace my flaws and continue to accept myself for who I am. Making sure there is room for change and growth. Stick to my guns and realized when compromise is counterproductive to my cause...

Day 6 & 7

Shut up, shut up! I'm trying. Here's days 6 & 7...

Day 6: How would you describe yourself? 

I think I need to re-do Day 1...I feel like I answered both questions the same and they definitely are not the same. Ok... so how would I describe myself? Hmmm...I am like lightening. I am powerful, awe inspiring... and dangerous. I am the glimmer of light shining through the darkness. I am the calm and the storm. I am only love. I am strength and determination. I am empathy and compassion.

I'm not everyone's shot of whiskey though... I'm eclectic and eccentric. I am passion embodied. 

Day 7: What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody? 

I value consistency and reciprocation.  Empathy. Respect. Loyalty. I believe that you should embody the energies you want to receive. I tried to be love and light because that's all I want to receive back from the universe. I represent compassion and care. I'm truly an empath. I feel everything. I want to be a Beacon of light that's that that not just talk it but walk it as well.

Days 2, 3, 4 & 5 🤦🏽‍♀️

So... I'm the worst... like the absolute worst when it comes to routines! OMG. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I've been good at posting to IG, but horrible at completing my blog. I've been so busy with work and my regular life that focusing on this has been a real challenge but I'm getting better! Ok... here we go: 

Day 2: What Are You Passionate About? 

I'm passionate about love. About family. About the arts. I'm passionate about my loved ones. About food. About traveling and living life. I'm passionate about the youth.

Day 3: What Are The Achievements You Are Most Proud Of?

God allowed me to create the most amazing child. I've obtained two degrees and have been able to create a career, I'm passionate about, and work for over 10 years in that field. I've paid off a car and walked away from an abusive man I absolutely loved. I was able to come back from severe anxiety and PTSD. I'm still able to love after all the hurt and pain.

Day 4: What Are You Most Grateful For In Life?

I am grateful for family structure and the way I was raised. As I get older, I realized that everyone's upbringing has a significant impact on how they interact with and impact the world.  My family structure is one of nurture, compassion, support and empathy. We communicate and compromise. We speak our minds. We love and laugh. I'm grateful for how I was raised because it allows me to love and connect to people on an almost spiritual level.

Day 5: What Are The Most Important Things To You In Life?

Family… are they things? I mean they're mine. Are we talking possessions? My cats are kind of things… right? I love those old Fur balls. My car is very high up on this list as well. I would feel lost without my Widow. I also have an affinity for my gadgets but I've been kinda disconnected lately... but where's my phone?

Day 1 - Who are you?

Who am I? Who am I? I am Yoshi. I'm a modern day hippie. An empath that loves people and hates them at the same time. I'm a giver...that will give her last to make sure her loved ones are good at the detriment of herself. I am love. I am hope. I am pain. I am desperation & despair. I can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare. I am confusion. I am chaos. In the midst of my own darkness; I am light; dimmed by the darkness of my own determination. I am me.

Desolate

I watched myself die

Saw myself deteriorate 

But I was too weak to stop it

I can't think

My mind is blank...

But I can't stop it from racing

I feel so stupid

I feel so played

I feel so lost

I feel...

Afraid

and timid...

Anxious

Lonely

Weak

Frustrated

Alone...

I believed in love

I believed in you

Stood by

Helpless

While you took advantage of me

Used and abused me

In the name of love

I gave my all

All of me

More than I had to offer

And it was still not enough...

NEVER enough...

But I still gave

Now what is left for me...?

-Yoshi

Routines: Not my Forte...

Good Morning America! Ok...so I do know that most of you are NOT awake, like me, but I forgive you. I'm only up because the money calls and I just can't let it go to voicemail.

I want to apologize for not being consistent with my #HealtheHurt campaign. Trust me, it wasn't due to lack of interest or dedication...I'm just really not the best at keeping up with routines. I have a chronological bible that is formatted for readers to read through the entire bible In a year... Needless to say I've attempted to read through it for 3 years. I just had to stop beating myself up and realize that the things I've been through, in the past four years, have effected the way my brain works and how I handle "routines."

Right now, my focus has been on recreating myself. I don't want to be the old me...I want to be a new, and improved, version. I was destined to do great things and living a mediocre life won't get me those things. Over thinking is ultimately destroying me so I need to find a more progressive method of dealing with it all.

I'm dabbling back into poetry because I NEED to get these emotions out. The next blog I'm posting will be a poem I found in one of my notebooks. Not sure when I wrote it but it is definitely connected with the things I've been going through. Hope you enjoy! 

-Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 5 - Hurt

"I've loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more..."

I honestly never thought anyone could so eloquently put my feelings, so perfectly, into a song but Christina Perri absolutely did that. Music is definitely was stirs my pot of emotions. I live in die in each note. Each climactic measure. I remember where I was when I first felt this song. A former student of mine was chosen, by a colleague, to do a solo to this dance. I balled my eyes out at that performance. Screaming and cheering so loudly for her that I lost my voice during that show. It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. These feelings...these memories live vividly on in my mind and keep me connected to all the little hands and feet that I've encountered over the years. I was so overwhelmed with emotion just now that I had to retreat to the bathroom to cry my eyes out. My son is in my bed and there's a part of me that doesn't want him to ever see me in the state that I'm in. Not just sad tears...happy tears...confused tears...tears because I miss my kids...tears because I am always so proud of them....just tears...

I've been so hurt in the past week. I always seem to feel played when my relationships end. I always seem to give more of myself than my partner is willing to give of themselves to me. I've lost money, property and so much time investing in those who aren't truly willing to invest in me. My husband has stolen my bank card, depleted my bank account, pawned wedding rings I've purchased, hidden tv's I've purchased...all types of dumb shit. I was so angry last week that I was ready to block my blessings to be petty. Now I've always been very free with my money. I've been raised and taught that "all of life's problems can be solved with either time or money" so there is no need to worry. People who lack moral standards have no problem using that to their advantage. I've loaned money...just given it away and had it stolen from me...but guess what...I'M STILL STANDING & I'M STILL BLESSED.

I can be hurt about these things but I can't let it break me. I can't let people's lack of home training and morals turn me into one of THEM. I think that is why I'm envied sometimes. Now, I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I've been blessed with parents who make sure that I'm good in all circumstances and a great family and friend support system. I'm truly thankful for that and, anyone who knows me knows that, I am always willing to share my family with my friends. I'm always willing to include everyone in my family circle because that's who I am to the core of my being. I love. I want to love. I AM love. It just hurts to know that the world isn't like you. It hurts to grow up in this fairytale of happily ever after that, right now, doesn't exist. I KNOW that my match is out there and I guess I'm just over here preparing myself for that meeting...

~Yoshi