#HealtheHurt Day 5 - Hurt

"I've loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more..."

I honestly never thought anyone could so eloquently put my feelings, so perfectly, into a song but Christina Perri absolutely did that. Music is definitely was stirs my pot of emotions. I live in die in each note. Each climactic measure. I remember where I was when I first felt this song. A former student of mine was chosen, by a colleague, to do a solo to this dance. I balled my eyes out at that performance. Screaming and cheering so loudly for her that I lost my voice during that show. It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. These feelings...these memories live vividly on in my mind and keep me connected to all the little hands and feet that I've encountered over the years. I was so overwhelmed with emotion just now that I had to retreat to the bathroom to cry my eyes out. My son is in my bed and there's a part of me that doesn't want him to ever see me in the state that I'm in. Not just sad tears...happy tears...confused tears...tears because I miss my kids...tears because I am always so proud of them....just tears...

I've been so hurt in the past week. I always seem to feel played when my relationships end. I always seem to give more of myself than my partner is willing to give of themselves to me. I've lost money, property and so much time investing in those who aren't truly willing to invest in me. My husband has stolen my bank card, depleted my bank account, pawned wedding rings I've purchased, hidden tv's I've purchased...all types of dumb shit. I was so angry last week that I was ready to block my blessings to be petty. Now I've always been very free with my money. I've been raised and taught that "all of life's problems can be solved with either time or money" so there is no need to worry. People who lack moral standards have no problem using that to their advantage. I've loaned money...just given it away and had it stolen from me...but guess what...I'M STILL STANDING & I'M STILL BLESSED.

I can be hurt about these things but I can't let it break me. I can't let people's lack of home training and morals turn me into one of THEM. I think that is why I'm envied sometimes. Now, I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I've been blessed with parents who make sure that I'm good in all circumstances and a great family and friend support system. I'm truly thankful for that and, anyone who knows me knows that, I am always willing to share my family with my friends. I'm always willing to include everyone in my family circle because that's who I am to the core of my being. I love. I want to love. I AM love. It just hurts to know that the world isn't like you. It hurts to grow up in this fairytale of happily ever after that, right now, doesn't exist. I KNOW that my match is out there and I guess I'm just over here preparing myself for that meeting...

~Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 4 - Acceptance

Hey guys! I know I haven't blogged in a little minute and I'm sorry! I've had an eventful and busy weekend. My family has an annual luau and that was this past Saturday. Now that the main event of my summer is over, it gives me more time to devote to my thoughts and my healing process. Still outraged by the events occurring in my country, it was nice to take a breather and enjoy some leisure time with my family and friends. I always try to invite new people I've connected with, but God shows me who is actually down for me and who isn't.

I took a moment to catch up on my ghetto stereotypical television today...namely Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. I know I know...what am I, a conscious woman, doing watching that crap? Well...I enjoy the bullshit...and I know I need to stop indulging and making their ratings go up. It's like the stupid ghetto fights I used to watch. I guess when I'm truly over it, I will be. But that's not why I brought it up anyway! Waka Flocka's wife Tammy...to see that hurt in her eyes and hear the pain in her voice made me breakdown. I know that feeling all too well. It was also very heartbreaking to see Deb breakdown for their marriage as well. Sometimes you just cant help but feel like it's your fault when things fall apart but we MUST realize that there are two people in every relationship. Whether a friendship, or partnership, there are two people involved who have to be just as committed as each other to make it work. It just sucks to know that so many men seem to have lost the true meaning of working for their relationships.

I've met a lot of males who think that there is no need to date or romance their partner after getting married and it just baffles my mind. I've also met a lot of males who think a woman should just be submissive regardless of her treatment or expectations from her husband and/or partner. The main point of courting (dating for you 90's babies) a female is to show her your qualities and why she should choose you over any other males who may be showing interest. It is supposed to continue because it shows your woman how appreciative and in love you STILL are. Now this doesn't just go for the males... us women must also remember to always encourage and support our men...take THEM out on dates. These things go HAND IN HAND.

I always seem to find myself back in the place I said I wouldn't be, and this time isn't any different. BUT this time I have realized that a few hours of "bliss" doesn't excuse the years of unhappiness and abuse. I hate that my husband doesn't get it. I hate that there is a part of me that still feels like he will. I hate that there is a part of me that will never let go. I've just learned that I need to love him from a distance...regardless of how much it sucks to me, it's ME who I am protecting.

-Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 3 - Lonliness

I've been able to hold myself together pretty well in the last couple of weeks since my official liberation but TODAY has been the worst. I don't even smoke cigarettes and I had to go to the store to get one. I've been besides myself all day with news of more black men being gunned down by police...black men being hung. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AMERIKKKA? Just the fact that the KKK is still in existence shows me how racist America is... While y'all are worried about ISIS, us black folk are worried about the KKK, NYPD, BRPD, regular gun toting white people in "stand your ground" states...the list goes on.

It's hard to deal with intense emotions, alone, when all you want to do is be held by someone who understands you and knows how to make the pain feel less substantial. There is no one to hold me. There is no one to wipe away the endless tears that have been streaming from my face. BEING BLACK IN AMERICA IS STILL ILLEGAL. Everything else will be legalized but being black will still NOT be ok in white America's eyes. This shit is sickening. What do I tell my son? How can I possibly protect him? I fucking can't! I just keep thinking: What if that was my husband? What if that was my son? My father? My cousin? My uncle? My nephew. My son's father? ME?

These are the nights when I cringe at the fact of being alone. These are the nights where I want to run to him and hug him because I fear for his life! These are the nights where I wish things were different and I wish things could go back to being the same. These are the nights where a war rages on between my mind and my heart.

I've, personally, seen officers menacing young men in my old neighborhood of East, NY for NO REASON. I've had to walk in the street because their patrol cars were parked on the sidewalk and blocking the walkway. I've had to reverse down a one way street because a cop car was completely blocking a street to converse. I've had an officer, that knew nothing of my husband or my family, say "go ahead and enjoy your one weekend with your kids." I've been mishandled by police and honestly I'M FUCKING OVER IT.


http://www.cbpm.org/index.html <~~~~~~ Please check them out and if you're compelled to, join the movement. For me...NO JUSTICE. NO PEACE. #BLACKLIVESMATTER

-Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 2 - Frustration

Today has been an emotional roller coaster but the emotion I would choose over them all is Frustration. With everything going on in Black America and the newest murders by police officers that were hired to PROTECT AND SERVE...it's just been too much for me. I'm raising a black boy in America and the idea that he might be killed because an officer didn't protect and serve is disgustingly heartbreaking. Social media is a wonderful place to trigger all your fears and anxieties.

Tonight I feel lonely. I usually do, but I've decided not to drown my sorrows with alcohol. A necessary detox ever so often cause I LUV THE SAUCE lol. Nights like these are the hardest. Nights like these I have to remind myself of the hurt just in order to convince myself to stay where I'm at. I'm KNOWN for initiating a conversation and jumping in my car in the middle of the night just to feel his embrace. Nothing ever gets dealt with...just our carnal desires and needs get fulfilled. I don't want that this time. I don't even really know if I want change. I do have to admit that during our last reconciliation, my husband made great strides to change but, in my opinion, whenever you choose to be petty or choose to keep things in disarray, that's taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

I NEED TO BE CHERISHED! I spent a lot of time being a great wife and mother. For those of you who personally know me, you know, I am NOT the domestic type. I'm a spoiled only child who didn't have chores. So for me to become the wife I was...was, and still is, amazing. I spent a lot of time feeling good about the new role I had, and he seemed to spend a lot of time complaining about something I didn't do. I had to recondition my thinking and realize that it wasn't me AT ALL. The statement "misery loves company" is very true because he was miserable with his job and he would come home and want me to join him in that misery. Marriage is about supporting one another but you can't support someone who isn't openly communicating what they are going through and how they feel.

Ultimately I do want my husband and I to have a great relationship even if it's only a friendship. I'm not the type to burn bridges. I'm friends with all my exes (unless they did something foul to me). I just think that if you loved someone and spent so much time with them, why would the friendship end when the relationship does? I honestly try to live my life under the AGAPE love umbrella...I just need to learn when NOT to give so much of myself because of that.

-Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 1 - The Beginning

Deciding to do this blog (and ACTUALLY keep up with it) is going to be a task within itself. Sometimes I feel like it's so difficult for me to gather my thoughts and put them into something cohesive. I've been battling with writers block for YEARS and, honestly, writing might actually help.

I've been on a roller coaster ride of love ALL MY LIFE. As I've gotten older, I've realized that my relationship issues stem from deep seeded daddy issues that were never realized...BUT I'll save that for another blog. I consider myself the type that loves hard and falls in love with potential. I will see the core essence of a person's being and fall madly in love with that. Idk...it's just innate in me to look past someone's faults and see the gleaming light inside their soul. Sooooo...most of the time, my relationships are extremely passionate but that same intensity comes when that passion turns into a raging blazing fire of craziness.

I got married on 2/23/12 and was separated on 11/18/2013. I've actually been separated longer than I've been married. Reason for my separation you ask? DV. Domestic Violence. Sigh... The abuse actually started way before he hit me, but it all came to a head early that November morning. Insecure from infidelity issues in the beginning of our relationship (I cheated), my husband woke me from my sleep around 3 or 4am and accused me of being with my son's father. The back story is that my husband was always checking my movements (time it took me to get home, etc.) and ALWAYS wanted me to tell him my EVERY move. When my son's father picked him up from my apartment, and my husband, my husband forgot to give my BF my son's book bag for school and I ended up dropping it prior to church one Sunday morning. I forgot to mention those things (completely innocent movements btw) and I deleted the evidence (text messages) because I figured not telling him completely would be better than telling him after-the-fact. Yea...I was already being abused at that point and was trying to save myself the aggravation and argument.

Did you guys know that we (Samsung users) used to have a master log that, not only contained your call log, but told you every text, call and whatever that went out and came in to your phone?!?!?! I didn't know that shit! I mean, I'm not the prying type and I honestly could care less what you do in and on your phone. ANYWAY, my husband checked that log and realized that I hadn't mentioned everything. Long story short, I ended up getting punched in the face and leaving. Since that night, we have tried to reconcile here and there, but I've always felt like it was me who initiated the conversations and, ultimately, the reconciliations. I would call or text with "how could you do this to me?" "You ruined my life," or something of that nature. Honestly, loneliness would put me in his arms sooner than it should have, and the last time we tried to reconcile was at the latter end of February of this year.

Ugh...the things I've seen, felt and dealt with this last time were THE WORST. I've matured and grown over the years of our separation, so I guess I was more understanding than I should've been, BUT I'VE ALREADY TOLD Y'ALL MY DAMN PROBLEM (lol). Idk...I saw the red flags, but was just trying to push through because I really do take marriage seriously and didn't want to get a divorce without giving this LAST CHANCE everything I had. So now I'm here trying to deal with these damn emotions because, yea...it didn't work. So I'm hoping you guys can help me to #HealtheHurt and I'm hoping that I can help others heal their hurt with this 30 day blog. Day 1 down! WE CAN DO THIS!!!!

-Yoshi