No Looking Back...

"The world judges me on the decisions I've made, but they didn't see the options I had to choose from."

No one really knows my story. Just paragraphs and pages...statements scattered among the wind. As I walk this journey, ascend this climb, search for the meaning of life, try yet again and fail, seek and find, ask and discover, sin and repent, pray and fast, work and play, live and breath in this amazing yet strangely scary place called life on Earth, I take bits and pieces of the knowledge that has been bestowed upon me and condense them into the concepts in which create...Me. I can truly say I have a testimony. I really came from a dark place. When I think, of where I came from, it's hard for me to even connect with that person which was me... Those times seem so far and forgone...yet, so close.

Sometimes I feel so connected to myself and then...I don't. What has become of that metaphysical bond between my mind, body and soul? Pieces of my past still linger 'til this day and make it difficult to free the person who is within me. I've gotten better...but there's still a part of me that is hesitant to surface. It clings to the closest parts of me and holds on tight. I fight with myself because of this. I'm not even sure if this is not who I am...even though that may sound crazy.

But...I'm optimistic of the future. I'm letting go of some of the layers I've collected over the years. I'm allowing myself to be guided by the Holy Spirit and there's no looking back. I'm grateful for where I am and where the Lord is taking me. I'm trying to go back to the expressive, explosive enigma I love to be! As always I keep certain things in mind:

"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."- Psalms 139:14

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." - Psalms 51:10

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." - Psalms 126: 5

"Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips."- Psalms 141: 3

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Philippians 4: 13

Hello

For some reason...my broken feeling still lingers. Sometimes I'm so optimistic for the future, and then there are times in which, I feel, there's just too much damage and there will always be something wrong...with me. Somehow insufficient in some aspect in every solution. As time goes on...the fight in me diminishes. Sigh...

I still find it very hard to write...to express myself in general. I'm so programmed it's ridiculous. It really takes time and determination to undo years of...shit. I guess me coming to everyone else's rescue is a way of rescuing myself...yet I still can't seem to get it right. Sigh...

I'll figure it all out one day...

one lonely night

So...I've been extremely disconnected from my thoughts...my emotions. Everything, lately, has been very surface. Not to say that I'm not giving true and indepth pieces of me, they're just not from the deep intertwining places my bellows used to come from. I used to spend so much time writing. So much time connecting myself with the very substance that sustains me: my thoughts, my opinions, my spiritual connections with the Universe.

Sometimes, I find myself cautiously taking steps forward. Careful of my decisions because of my past judgements. In a way, I haven't forgiven myself for my past transgressions. I'm so hard on myself. Maybe I've put down the pen because it shows me my true self. Hmmm...I don't know.

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Flutters

So...I haven't been having one of the best weeks. I've been feeling overwhelmed and apprehensive and stressed. I've been trying to keep these feelings at bay, but it really hasn't been working. I always have this wall up...and, lately, I've been feeling like a marshmellow amidst stones. I haven't been connecting with the "emotional" me...so this week...being just that...has been difficult.

I keep these walls up to protect myself. I let someone in my gates once, and I wont make that mistake again. Even though I am still an open person, there's certain things I just don't express. I can't express. I'm trapped in my own restrictions of suppression. Hmmm...

Sometimes I just need to be held and babied and treated like a girl. I know I usually don't personify that...but I'm a girl afterall. I need to be held and told everything will be ok. Held and told not to stress...that I don't have to do it alone...sigh.

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Easter.

Today was a, kind of, up and down type of day. Church was a blessing. Family dinner was great...and then there was rain. I mean, I did get a flat...but that's not important.

I had a long conversation with my son's father. Now...my son knows his father very well. Don't get it twisted. He's a great father...just a horrible boyfriend. Anywho: it was an interesting conversation, but it did leave me feeling some type of way. Hmm. Just know I got one eye to the sky.

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sigh.

sigh. i find myself drifting off into unchartered waters...but then i meet myself as she ventures back to shore. the internal battle between good and evil; right and wrong; love and hate rages. The highs and lows leave me weak and confused. i've convinced myself of something that is, now, blatantly untrue. hmmm...

then...i sit here blogging away as i stare at the back of his head. his music blasting, unaware of what goes on. unaware of the pain i harbor. no...he's not oblivious...just stuck in his own world to realize what's going on in OURS.

sometimes i think people don't get the fact that i really could crawl inside myself and die. sigh.

Day 1 - A Picture Of Yourself With 15 Facts

1. I LOVE THE LORD.
2. I often feel censored.
3. I hold on to a lot of pain.
4. Despite the bubbly personality, darkness lies within.
5. I'm deeper than you could ever imagine.
6. Sometimes I don't even understand myself.
7. I never thought I would be someone's "baby mother."
8. I've been teaching dance for over 8 years now.
9. I'm super-passionate about the state of our youth.
10. I mostly watch cartoons.
11. I have a very close relationship with my mother.
12. My family is the most important aspect of my life.
13. I don't remember what my body looked like without ink.
14. I'm, actually, a singer by nature.
15. I'm more fragile than you think.

30 Day Challenge

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn’t have....
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of someone that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

Bouyant

I find myself floating
wondering when it got this serious
when i got
here
didn't know the cuts ran so deep
the damage
way too substantial to tote
yet
i thought i had
taken stock of what i lost...
...and gained
of what needed to be thrown out
and what needed to be fixed
more importantly
what needed to stay...
for a fragile time in my life
where connections and connotations
were conflicted and construed

...my heart beats still
keeping me connected to the part of me
which is
human
imperfect
unsure
insecure
nervous and neurotic
hiding beneath my own layers of rejection
and fear
surfacing but for a moment
yet lingering for a lifetime...

-Yoshi

The Unlocked Cage

"Yoshi is a free spirit." Something that isn't unusual to hear when it comes to me. I'm the type to want to fly free at all times...yet I love being tied down. Ironic? Very. Relationships have always offered comfort in my chaotic existence. I guess they give me a sense of belonging. You see, I'm a square peg in a round world. I don't really fit in. The blessing and curse of being, truly, an individual.

I'm in love with love and beauty in all aspects. I'm also a flirt. I play on both sides of the rainbow, but only one can have my heart at a time. I find myself having to downplay my sexuality. I thought it was every man's fantasy to have a woman that loved women...but I find that most of them, can't handle that fact hanging over their head. But, then again, I'm just not your typical female.

Guess I'm more intimidating that I thought...

Remebrance

I remember when I used to depend on your validation for mine. I remember when ONLY your vision of me mattered. A lot has changed over the past year or so.

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Blocked

"Never explain yourself. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it."

That quote has been resonating, in my mind, all day. As a creature of pure randomness, I find myself caught in the confusion of contemplation and confession. You see, I've always been one to delve deep inside myself and deliver doctrine of what it is to be...me. Yet, life has had it's way with me, lately, and it's become a lot harder to bring forth blessings from my being. Pen and paper always shared significance to me. It was a way of staying connected to myself when such disconnect was taking place around me. It kept me grounded. Kept me sane. But, with what I was dealing with, it seemed inevitable that my lack of expression would spill over into my metaphysical. "Why was I writing, in the first place?" became the only question buzzing through my consciousnesses.

Years have passed and I'm still faced with the same mental block from my past. I've decided that the only remedy for this ailment is to dive, head first, and force the muse. As my mind races, I plan to reach up and grab what's floating by...until it all makes sense.

Hope you enjoy the ride as much as I do!

To Blog Or Not To Blog

So I finally decided to jump back on the bandwagon or blog writing. While I was blogging, apparently, everyone else was sleep. So...here I sit. Ready to delve into myself and pull out whatever it means to be me. Hope you enjoy!