Russian Roulette

Time elapses yet nothing changes. Strength becomes weakness over time without it even being known. Am I so different now compared to then? My thoughts feel so loosely connected that once I form a thought, it dissipates before it's complete. Too many thoughts. Too many emotions. Yet no time. I want to tell my feelings that they're so trivial and unimportant to the big scheme of things, but they don't listen. This is the most "like a girl" I've felt in a long time. The vulnerability of it all is tedious and irritating.

I find myself clinging to a thought...and we just spoke about my damn thoughts...or is it a dream...or is it a fantasy? Confusion adds an extra unwanted element. I was just so sure. What changed?

Distances

It's been such a long time since I've written down my grievances of life. It's been increasingly difficult to narrow down and focus on this or that...so I don't. I usually just smile and roll with the punches. I take my light very seriously. I believe that all of us have been born with a choice...either to be a light among the darkness or to add to the darkness that is already there. The next generation always shows the shortcomings of the previous because the transitions are missing...but that's neither here or there.

I've been more stressed in this season than I have been in my entire life! As I sit here I chuckle to myself because God has been dealing with me! I've been taking my ministry very seriously and God has been equalling my seriousness to service. He's making me strong so I can encourage anyone and I'm blessed for that...but man do these trials SUCK!!!

Balancing a hectic professional life, a growing family and a call to service can be impossible without the right tools. I've always had to stand on my own, but as things start to mount up and pile, that stance has become even more evident. Every situation I find myself in...echoes hurt feelings I've always felt. It always feels like if I say it, it doesn't matter, but if someone else says it, everything must stop. I've always asked "Who do the superheroes call when they need to be saved?" Guess that's something that's not humanly possible...

No Looking Back...

"The world judges me on the decisions I've made, but they didn't see the options I had to choose from."

No one really knows my story. Just paragraphs and pages...statements scattered among the wind. As I walk this journey, ascend this climb, search for the meaning of life, try yet again and fail, seek and find, ask and discover, sin and repent, pray and fast, work and play, live and breath in this amazing yet strangely scary place called life on Earth, I take bits and pieces of the knowledge that has been bestowed upon me and condense them into the concepts in which create...Me. I can truly say I have a testimony. I really came from a dark place. When I think, of where I came from, it's hard for me to even connect with that person which was me... Those times seem so far and forgone...yet, so close.

Sometimes I feel so connected to myself and then...I don't. What has become of that metaphysical bond between my mind, body and soul? Pieces of my past still linger 'til this day and make it difficult to free the person who is within me. I've gotten better...but there's still a part of me that is hesitant to surface. It clings to the closest parts of me and holds on tight. I fight with myself because of this. I'm not even sure if this is not who I am...even though that may sound crazy.

But...I'm optimistic of the future. I'm letting go of some of the layers I've collected over the years. I'm allowing myself to be guided by the Holy Spirit and there's no looking back. I'm grateful for where I am and where the Lord is taking me. I'm trying to go back to the expressive, explosive enigma I love to be! As always I keep certain things in mind:

"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."- Psalms 139:14

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." - Psalms 51:10

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." - Psalms 126: 5

"Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips."- Psalms 141: 3

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Philippians 4: 13

Hello

For some reason...my broken feeling still lingers. Sometimes I'm so optimistic for the future, and then there are times in which, I feel, there's just too much damage and there will always be something wrong...with me. Somehow insufficient in some aspect in every solution. As time goes on...the fight in me diminishes. Sigh...

I still find it very hard to write...to express myself in general. I'm so programmed it's ridiculous. It really takes time and determination to undo years of...shit. I guess me coming to everyone else's rescue is a way of rescuing myself...yet I still can't seem to get it right. Sigh...

I'll figure it all out one day...

one lonely night

So...I've been extremely disconnected from my thoughts...my emotions. Everything, lately, has been very surface. Not to say that I'm not giving true and indepth pieces of me, they're just not from the deep intertwining places my bellows used to come from. I used to spend so much time writing. So much time connecting myself with the very substance that sustains me: my thoughts, my opinions, my spiritual connections with the Universe.

Sometimes, I find myself cautiously taking steps forward. Careful of my decisions because of my past judgements. In a way, I haven't forgiven myself for my past transgressions. I'm so hard on myself. Maybe I've put down the pen because it shows me my true self. Hmmm...I don't know.

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Flutters

So...I haven't been having one of the best weeks. I've been feeling overwhelmed and apprehensive and stressed. I've been trying to keep these feelings at bay, but it really hasn't been working. I always have this wall up...and, lately, I've been feeling like a marshmellow amidst stones. I haven't been connecting with the "emotional" me...so this week...being just that...has been difficult.

I keep these walls up to protect myself. I let someone in my gates once, and I wont make that mistake again. Even though I am still an open person, there's certain things I just don't express. I can't express. I'm trapped in my own restrictions of suppression. Hmmm...

Sometimes I just need to be held and babied and treated like a girl. I know I usually don't personify that...but I'm a girl afterall. I need to be held and told everything will be ok. Held and told not to stress...that I don't have to do it alone...sigh.

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Easter.

Today was a, kind of, up and down type of day. Church was a blessing. Family dinner was great...and then there was rain. I mean, I did get a flat...but that's not important.

I had a long conversation with my son's father. Now...my son knows his father very well. Don't get it twisted. He's a great father...just a horrible boyfriend. Anywho: it was an interesting conversation, but it did leave me feeling some type of way. Hmm. Just know I got one eye to the sky.

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