Flutters

So...I haven't been having one of the best weeks. I've been feeling overwhelmed and apprehensive and stressed. I've been trying to keep these feelings at bay, but it really hasn't been working. I always have this wall up...and, lately, I've been feeling like a marshmellow amidst stones. I haven't been connecting with the "emotional" me...so this week...being just that...has been difficult.

I keep these walls up to protect myself. I let someone in my gates once, and I wont make that mistake again. Even though I am still an open person, there's certain things I just don't express. I can't express. I'm trapped in my own restrictions of suppression. Hmmm...

Sometimes I just need to be held and babied and treated like a girl. I know I usually don't personify that...but I'm a girl afterall. I need to be held and told everything will be ok. Held and told not to stress...that I don't have to do it alone...sigh.

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Easter.

Today was a, kind of, up and down type of day. Church was a blessing. Family dinner was great...and then there was rain. I mean, I did get a flat...but that's not important.

I had a long conversation with my son's father. Now...my son knows his father very well. Don't get it twisted. He's a great father...just a horrible boyfriend. Anywho: it was an interesting conversation, but it did leave me feeling some type of way. Hmm. Just know I got one eye to the sky.

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sigh.

sigh. i find myself drifting off into unchartered waters...but then i meet myself as she ventures back to shore. the internal battle between good and evil; right and wrong; love and hate rages. The highs and lows leave me weak and confused. i've convinced myself of something that is, now, blatantly untrue. hmmm...

then...i sit here blogging away as i stare at the back of his head. his music blasting, unaware of what goes on. unaware of the pain i harbor. no...he's not oblivious...just stuck in his own world to realize what's going on in OURS.

sometimes i think people don't get the fact that i really could crawl inside myself and die. sigh.

Day 1 - A Picture Of Yourself With 15 Facts

1. I LOVE THE LORD.
2. I often feel censored.
3. I hold on to a lot of pain.
4. Despite the bubbly personality, darkness lies within.
5. I'm deeper than you could ever imagine.
6. Sometimes I don't even understand myself.
7. I never thought I would be someone's "baby mother."
8. I've been teaching dance for over 8 years now.
9. I'm super-passionate about the state of our youth.
10. I mostly watch cartoons.
11. I have a very close relationship with my mother.
12. My family is the most important aspect of my life.
13. I don't remember what my body looked like without ink.
14. I'm, actually, a singer by nature.
15. I'm more fragile than you think.

30 Day Challenge

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn’t have....
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of someone that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

Bouyant

I find myself floating
wondering when it got this serious
when i got
here
didn't know the cuts ran so deep
the damage
way too substantial to tote
yet
i thought i had
taken stock of what i lost...
...and gained
of what needed to be thrown out
and what needed to be fixed
more importantly
what needed to stay...
for a fragile time in my life
where connections and connotations
were conflicted and construed

...my heart beats still
keeping me connected to the part of me
which is
human
imperfect
unsure
insecure
nervous and neurotic
hiding beneath my own layers of rejection
and fear
surfacing but for a moment
yet lingering for a lifetime...

-Yoshi

The Unlocked Cage

"Yoshi is a free spirit." Something that isn't unusual to hear when it comes to me. I'm the type to want to fly free at all times...yet I love being tied down. Ironic? Very. Relationships have always offered comfort in my chaotic existence. I guess they give me a sense of belonging. You see, I'm a square peg in a round world. I don't really fit in. The blessing and curse of being, truly, an individual.

I'm in love with love and beauty in all aspects. I'm also a flirt. I play on both sides of the rainbow, but only one can have my heart at a time. I find myself having to downplay my sexuality. I thought it was every man's fantasy to have a woman that loved women...but I find that most of them, can't handle that fact hanging over their head. But, then again, I'm just not your typical female.

Guess I'm more intimidating that I thought...