#HealtheHurt Day 3 - Lonliness

I've been able to hold myself together pretty well in the last couple of weeks since my official liberation but TODAY has been the worst. I don't even smoke cigarettes and I had to go to the store to get one. I've been besides myself all day with news of more black men being gunned down by police...black men being hung. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AMERIKKKA? Just the fact that the KKK is still in existence shows me how racist America is... While y'all are worried about ISIS, us black folk are worried about the KKK, NYPD, BRPD, regular gun toting white people in "stand your ground" states...the list goes on.

It's hard to deal with intense emotions, alone, when all you want to do is be held by someone who understands you and knows how to make the pain feel less substantial. There is no one to hold me. There is no one to wipe away the endless tears that have been streaming from my face. BEING BLACK IN AMERICA IS STILL ILLEGAL. Everything else will be legalized but being black will still NOT be ok in white America's eyes. This shit is sickening. What do I tell my son? How can I possibly protect him? I fucking can't! I just keep thinking: What if that was my husband? What if that was my son? My father? My cousin? My uncle? My nephew. My son's father? ME?

These are the nights when I cringe at the fact of being alone. These are the nights where I want to run to him and hug him because I fear for his life! These are the nights where I wish things were different and I wish things could go back to being the same. These are the nights where a war rages on between my mind and my heart.

I've, personally, seen officers menacing young men in my old neighborhood of East, NY for NO REASON. I've had to walk in the street because their patrol cars were parked on the sidewalk and blocking the walkway. I've had to reverse down a one way street because a cop car was completely blocking a street to converse. I've had an officer, that knew nothing of my husband or my family, say "go ahead and enjoy your one weekend with your kids." I've been mishandled by police and honestly I'M FUCKING OVER IT.


http://www.cbpm.org/index.html <~~~~~~ Please check them out and if you're compelled to, join the movement. For me...NO JUSTICE. NO PEACE. #BLACKLIVESMATTER

-Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 2 - Frustration

Today has been an emotional roller coaster but the emotion I would choose over them all is Frustration. With everything going on in Black America and the newest murders by police officers that were hired to PROTECT AND SERVE...it's just been too much for me. I'm raising a black boy in America and the idea that he might be killed because an officer didn't protect and serve is disgustingly heartbreaking. Social media is a wonderful place to trigger all your fears and anxieties.

Tonight I feel lonely. I usually do, but I've decided not to drown my sorrows with alcohol. A necessary detox ever so often cause I LUV THE SAUCE lol. Nights like these are the hardest. Nights like these I have to remind myself of the hurt just in order to convince myself to stay where I'm at. I'm KNOWN for initiating a conversation and jumping in my car in the middle of the night just to feel his embrace. Nothing ever gets dealt with...just our carnal desires and needs get fulfilled. I don't want that this time. I don't even really know if I want change. I do have to admit that during our last reconciliation, my husband made great strides to change but, in my opinion, whenever you choose to be petty or choose to keep things in disarray, that's taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

I NEED TO BE CHERISHED! I spent a lot of time being a great wife and mother. For those of you who personally know me, you know, I am NOT the domestic type. I'm a spoiled only child who didn't have chores. So for me to become the wife I was...was, and still is, amazing. I spent a lot of time feeling good about the new role I had, and he seemed to spend a lot of time complaining about something I didn't do. I had to recondition my thinking and realize that it wasn't me AT ALL. The statement "misery loves company" is very true because he was miserable with his job and he would come home and want me to join him in that misery. Marriage is about supporting one another but you can't support someone who isn't openly communicating what they are going through and how they feel.

Ultimately I do want my husband and I to have a great relationship even if it's only a friendship. I'm not the type to burn bridges. I'm friends with all my exes (unless they did something foul to me). I just think that if you loved someone and spent so much time with them, why would the friendship end when the relationship does? I honestly try to live my life under the AGAPE love umbrella...I just need to learn when NOT to give so much of myself because of that.

-Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 1 - The Beginning

Deciding to do this blog (and ACTUALLY keep up with it) is going to be a task within itself. Sometimes I feel like it's so difficult for me to gather my thoughts and put them into something cohesive. I've been battling with writers block for YEARS and, honestly, writing might actually help.

I've been on a roller coaster ride of love ALL MY LIFE. As I've gotten older, I've realized that my relationship issues stem from deep seeded daddy issues that were never realized...BUT I'll save that for another blog. I consider myself the type that loves hard and falls in love with potential. I will see the core essence of a person's being and fall madly in love with that. Idk...it's just innate in me to look past someone's faults and see the gleaming light inside their soul. Sooooo...most of the time, my relationships are extremely passionate but that same intensity comes when that passion turns into a raging blazing fire of craziness.

I got married on 2/23/12 and was separated on 11/18/2013. I've actually been separated longer than I've been married. Reason for my separation you ask? DV. Domestic Violence. Sigh... The abuse actually started way before he hit me, but it all came to a head early that November morning. Insecure from infidelity issues in the beginning of our relationship (I cheated), my husband woke me from my sleep around 3 or 4am and accused me of being with my son's father. The back story is that my husband was always checking my movements (time it took me to get home, etc.) and ALWAYS wanted me to tell him my EVERY move. When my son's father picked him up from my apartment, and my husband, my husband forgot to give my BF my son's book bag for school and I ended up dropping it prior to church one Sunday morning. I forgot to mention those things (completely innocent movements btw) and I deleted the evidence (text messages) because I figured not telling him completely would be better than telling him after-the-fact. Yea...I was already being abused at that point and was trying to save myself the aggravation and argument.

Did you guys know that we (Samsung users) used to have a master log that, not only contained your call log, but told you every text, call and whatever that went out and came in to your phone?!?!?! I didn't know that shit! I mean, I'm not the prying type and I honestly could care less what you do in and on your phone. ANYWAY, my husband checked that log and realized that I hadn't mentioned everything. Long story short, I ended up getting punched in the face and leaving. Since that night, we have tried to reconcile here and there, but I've always felt like it was me who initiated the conversations and, ultimately, the reconciliations. I would call or text with "how could you do this to me?" "You ruined my life," or something of that nature. Honestly, loneliness would put me in his arms sooner than it should have, and the last time we tried to reconcile was at the latter end of February of this year.

Ugh...the things I've seen, felt and dealt with this last time were THE WORST. I've matured and grown over the years of our separation, so I guess I was more understanding than I should've been, BUT I'VE ALREADY TOLD Y'ALL MY DAMN PROBLEM (lol). Idk...I saw the red flags, but was just trying to push through because I really do take marriage seriously and didn't want to get a divorce without giving this LAST CHANCE everything I had. So now I'm here trying to deal with these damn emotions because, yea...it didn't work. So I'm hoping you guys can help me to #HealtheHurt and I'm hoping that I can help others heal their hurt with this 30 day blog. Day 1 down! WE CAN DO THIS!!!!

-Yoshi

What Now?

I remember it like it was yesterday. One of those defining days that change your life and perspective forever. It was supposed to be a fun-filled family outing but, little did I know, it was the beginning of the end. I can still see the smiles and hear the laughter; all the fun I wasn't a part of. I remember having to fake the smiles. Having to force back the tears. I can see the faces of our sons and remember trying to be so strong for them. I was dying inside. Screaming for help but no one noticed. All that could be seen was the seemingly happy blended family that we had become. No one saw the disconnect. No one saw the pain. No one felt...Me.

Why would the DJ pick THIS song? Out of all the songs in the universe, he chooses this one to end the day. Did he see me? Did he pick up on the pain everyone else chose not to see? Did he know how desperate and desolate I felt? Did he know? The wheels under my feet glided to the rhythm of my heart expressed through this song. I shed silent tears as I sang my heart out. There was no one on that floor but me. Me and my emotions...

I wonder if the DJ knew...What Now?

My Influenster Vidal Sassoon VoxBox

I feel like I haven't been here in forever! Anywho...Hey Guys! I just had to share this:

So I get an email saying that I was invited to an online community where I could try out free stuff and share my thoughts for more free stuff; Influenster. Now, anyone who knows me knows, I LOVE free stuff. My favorite price is "free.99." I also love to try new products, places of business, foods, clothing choices, hairstyles...and the list goes on and on. So, why not right?

After doing some initial sign up stuff and a couple surveys, I ended up qualifying to try out Vidal Sassoon's Pro Series Moisture and Repair system VoxBox. Oh my excitement when my very first VoxBox reached my fingers! It came at a perfect time because my hair really needed some TLC after having some heat damage.  Being natural, and being so for over 5 years, my hair tends to go through different stages. Being blonde, when my natural color is dark brown, doesn't help the cause either.

My natural texture is very tightly curled and I'm usually wash and wear, but when fall and winter start to creep in, this New Yorker has to find other options. So I blow it out and flat iron it during the colder months. When I started to wash my hair, with the VS Moisture shampoo, I noticed that it lathered so much with just a lil bit of shampoo. I loved that! Even though I have a Mohawk, my thick hair usually requires a lot of everything. The shampoo left my hair smelling and feeling clean. I was expecting to have to use a lot of condition, but a little was more than enough as well. My hair ended up feeling soft and rejuvenated.

My absolute favorite though? The VS Repair Spray Heat Protect & Shine. It fascinated me because the solution is separate until you shake well to blend. I had straightened my hair, prior to needing this wash, and I used a different heat protectant spray. My tips were left brittle and rigid. This spray left my hair soft, silky and smooth! Just the difference in my tips ALONE is enough for me to give away that other spray and make the switch. I've even been raving about it when people ask about my hair. Is thrive on being able to do my own hair, at home, and Vidal Sassoon has really made some great at-home products to give you salon results. Below was the end result.

I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes and I got a great new do! truly recommend this system. Try it and tell me what you think!

BLESSINGS

Russian Roulette

Time elapses yet nothing changes. Strength becomes weakness over time without it even being known. Am I so different now compared to then? My thoughts feel so loosely connected that once I form a thought, it dissipates before it's complete. Too many thoughts. Too many emotions. Yet no time. I want to tell my feelings that they're so trivial and unimportant to the big scheme of things, but they don't listen. This is the most "like a girl" I've felt in a long time. The vulnerability of it all is tedious and irritating.

I find myself clinging to a thought...and we just spoke about my damn thoughts...or is it a dream...or is it a fantasy? Confusion adds an extra unwanted element. I was just so sure. What changed?

Distances

It's been such a long time since I've written down my grievances of life. It's been increasingly difficult to narrow down and focus on this or that...so I don't. I usually just smile and roll with the punches. I take my light very seriously. I believe that all of us have been born with a choice...either to be a light among the darkness or to add to the darkness that is already there. The next generation always shows the shortcomings of the previous because the transitions are missing...but that's neither here or there.

I've been more stressed in this season than I have been in my entire life! As I sit here I chuckle to myself because God has been dealing with me! I've been taking my ministry very seriously and God has been equalling my seriousness to service. He's making me strong so I can encourage anyone and I'm blessed for that...but man do these trials SUCK!!!

Balancing a hectic professional life, a growing family and a call to service can be impossible without the right tools. I've always had to stand on my own, but as things start to mount up and pile, that stance has become even more evident. Every situation I find myself in...echoes hurt feelings I've always felt. It always feels like if I say it, it doesn't matter, but if someone else says it, everything must stop. I've always asked "Who do the superheroes call when they need to be saved?" Guess that's something that's not humanly possible...