#HealtheHurt Day 2 - Frustration

Today has been an emotional roller coaster but the emotion I would choose over them all is Frustration. With everything going on in Black America and the newest murders by police officers that were hired to PROTECT AND SERVE...it's just been too much for me. I'm raising a black boy in America and the idea that he might be killed because an officer didn't protect and serve is disgustingly heartbreaking. Social media is a wonderful place to trigger all your fears and anxieties.

Tonight I feel lonely. I usually do, but I've decided not to drown my sorrows with alcohol. A necessary detox ever so often cause I LUV THE SAUCE lol. Nights like these are the hardest. Nights like these I have to remind myself of the hurt just in order to convince myself to stay where I'm at. I'm KNOWN for initiating a conversation and jumping in my car in the middle of the night just to feel his embrace. Nothing ever gets dealt with...just our carnal desires and needs get fulfilled. I don't want that this time. I don't even really know if I want change. I do have to admit that during our last reconciliation, my husband made great strides to change but, in my opinion, whenever you choose to be petty or choose to keep things in disarray, that's taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

I NEED TO BE CHERISHED! I spent a lot of time being a great wife and mother. For those of you who personally know me, you know, I am NOT the domestic type. I'm a spoiled only child who didn't have chores. So for me to become the wife I was...was, and still is, amazing. I spent a lot of time feeling good about the new role I had, and he seemed to spend a lot of time complaining about something I didn't do. I had to recondition my thinking and realize that it wasn't me AT ALL. The statement "misery loves company" is very true because he was miserable with his job and he would come home and want me to join him in that misery. Marriage is about supporting one another but you can't support someone who isn't openly communicating what they are going through and how they feel.

Ultimately I do want my husband and I to have a great relationship even if it's only a friendship. I'm not the type to burn bridges. I'm friends with all my exes (unless they did something foul to me). I just think that if you loved someone and spent so much time with them, why would the friendship end when the relationship does? I honestly try to live my life under the AGAPE love umbrella...I just need to learn when NOT to give so much of myself because of that.

-Yoshi