#HealtheHurt Day 1 - The Beginning

Deciding to do this blog (and ACTUALLY keep up with it) is going to be a task within itself. Sometimes I feel like it's so difficult for me to gather my thoughts and put them into something cohesive. I've been battling with writers block for YEARS and, honestly, writing might actually help.

I've been on a roller coaster ride of love ALL MY LIFE. As I've gotten older, I've realized that my relationship issues stem from deep seeded daddy issues that were never realized...BUT I'll save that for another blog. I consider myself the type that loves hard and falls in love with potential. I will see the core essence of a person's being and fall madly in love with that. Idk...it's just innate in me to look past someone's faults and see the gleaming light inside their soul. Sooooo...most of the time, my relationships are extremely passionate but that same intensity comes when that passion turns into a raging blazing fire of craziness.

I got married on 2/23/12 and was separated on 11/18/2013. I've actually been separated longer than I've been married. Reason for my separation you ask? DV. Domestic Violence. Sigh... The abuse actually started way before he hit me, but it all came to a head early that November morning. Insecure from infidelity issues in the beginning of our relationship (I cheated), my husband woke me from my sleep around 3 or 4am and accused me of being with my son's father. The back story is that my husband was always checking my movements (time it took me to get home, etc.) and ALWAYS wanted me to tell him my EVERY move. When my son's father picked him up from my apartment, and my husband, my husband forgot to give my BF my son's book bag for school and I ended up dropping it prior to church one Sunday morning. I forgot to mention those things (completely innocent movements btw) and I deleted the evidence (text messages) because I figured not telling him completely would be better than telling him after-the-fact. Yea...I was already being abused at that point and was trying to save myself the aggravation and argument.

Did you guys know that we (Samsung users) used to have a master log that, not only contained your call log, but told you every text, call and whatever that went out and came in to your phone?!?!?! I didn't know that shit! I mean, I'm not the prying type and I honestly could care less what you do in and on your phone. ANYWAY, my husband checked that log and realized that I hadn't mentioned everything. Long story short, I ended up getting punched in the face and leaving. Since that night, we have tried to reconcile here and there, but I've always felt like it was me who initiated the conversations and, ultimately, the reconciliations. I would call or text with "how could you do this to me?" "You ruined my life," or something of that nature. Honestly, loneliness would put me in his arms sooner than it should have, and the last time we tried to reconcile was at the latter end of February of this year.

Ugh...the things I've seen, felt and dealt with this last time were THE WORST. I've matured and grown over the years of our separation, so I guess I was more understanding than I should've been, BUT I'VE ALREADY TOLD Y'ALL MY DAMN PROBLEM (lol). Idk...I saw the red flags, but was just trying to push through because I really do take marriage seriously and didn't want to get a divorce without giving this LAST CHANCE everything I had. So now I'm here trying to deal with these damn emotions because, yea...it didn't work. So I'm hoping you guys can help me to #HealtheHurt and I'm hoping that I can help others heal their hurt with this 30 day blog. Day 1 down! WE CAN DO THIS!!!!

-Yoshi