Days 8, 9 & 10... L O V E

Day 8: Do you love yourself?

Yes, but not as much as I should...

Day 9: ...why or why not?

I love myself because I'm fucking awesome! Im beautiful inside and out and im just all around dope. I know I could  Love myself more because I don't treat myself to the highest standards that I want for myself.

Day 10: How  Can you love yourself more today?

I can embrace my flaws and continue to accept myself for who I am. Making sure there is room for change and growth. Stick to my guns and realized when compromise is counterproductive to my cause...

Day 6 & 7

Shut up, shut up! I'm trying. Here's days 6 & 7...

Day 6: How would you describe yourself? 

I think I need to re-do Day 1...I feel like I answered both questions the same and they definitely are not the same. Ok... so how would I describe myself? Hmmm...I am like lightening. I am powerful, awe inspiring... and dangerous. I am the glimmer of light shining through the darkness. I am the calm and the storm. I am only love. I am strength and determination. I am empathy and compassion.

I'm not everyone's shot of whiskey though... I'm eclectic and eccentric. I am passion embodied. 

Day 7: What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody? 

I value consistency and reciprocation.  Empathy. Respect. Loyalty. I believe that you should embody the energies you want to receive. I tried to be love and light because that's all I want to receive back from the universe. I represent compassion and care. I'm truly an empath. I feel everything. I want to be a Beacon of light that's that that not just talk it but walk it as well.

Days 2, 3, 4 & 5 🤦🏽‍♀️

So... I'm the worst... like the absolute worst when it comes to routines! OMG. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I've been good at posting to IG, but horrible at completing my blog. I've been so busy with work and my regular life that focusing on this has been a real challenge but I'm getting better! Ok... here we go: 

Day 2: What Are You Passionate About? 

I'm passionate about love. About family. About the arts. I'm passionate about my loved ones. About food. About traveling and living life. I'm passionate about the youth.

Day 3: What Are The Achievements You Are Most Proud Of?

God allowed me to create the most amazing child. I've obtained two degrees and have been able to create a career, I'm passionate about, and work for over 10 years in that field. I've paid off a car and walked away from an abusive man I absolutely loved. I was able to come back from severe anxiety and PTSD. I'm still able to love after all the hurt and pain.

Day 4: What Are You Most Grateful For In Life?

I am grateful for family structure and the way I was raised. As I get older, I realized that everyone's upbringing has a significant impact on how they interact with and impact the world.  My family structure is one of nurture, compassion, support and empathy. We communicate and compromise. We speak our minds. We love and laugh. I'm grateful for how I was raised because it allows me to love and connect to people on an almost spiritual level.

Day 5: What Are The Most Important Things To You In Life?

Family… are they things? I mean they're mine. Are we talking possessions? My cats are kind of things… right? I love those old Fur balls. My car is very high up on this list as well. I would feel lost without my Widow. I also have an affinity for my gadgets but I've been kinda disconnected lately... but where's my phone?

Day 1 - Who are you?

Who am I? Who am I? I am Yoshi. I'm a modern day hippie. An empath that loves people and hates them at the same time. I'm a giver...that will give her last to make sure her loved ones are good at the detriment of herself. I am love. I am hope. I am pain. I am desperation & despair. I can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare. I am confusion. I am chaos. In the midst of my own darkness; I am light; dimmed by the darkness of my own determination. I am me.

Desolate

I watched myself die

Saw myself deteriorate 

But I was too weak to stop it

I can't think

My mind is blank...

But I can't stop it from racing

I feel so stupid

I feel so played

I feel so lost

I feel...

Afraid

and timid...

Anxious

Lonely

Weak

Frustrated

Alone...

I believed in love

I believed in you

Stood by

Helpless

While you took advantage of me

Used and abused me

In the name of love

I gave my all

All of me

More than I had to offer

And it was still not enough...

NEVER enough...

But I still gave

Now what is left for me...?

-Yoshi

Routines: Not my Forte...

Good Morning America! Ok...so I do know that most of you are NOT awake, like me, but I forgive you. I'm only up because the money calls and I just can't let it go to voicemail.

I want to apologize for not being consistent with my #HealtheHurt campaign. Trust me, it wasn't due to lack of interest or dedication...I'm just really not the best at keeping up with routines. I have a chronological bible that is formatted for readers to read through the entire bible In a year... Needless to say I've attempted to read through it for 3 years. I just had to stop beating myself up and realize that the things I've been through, in the past four years, have effected the way my brain works and how I handle "routines."

Right now, my focus has been on recreating myself. I don't want to be the old me...I want to be a new, and improved, version. I was destined to do great things and living a mediocre life won't get me those things. Over thinking is ultimately destroying me so I need to find a more progressive method of dealing with it all.

I'm dabbling back into poetry because I NEED to get these emotions out. The next blog I'm posting will be a poem I found in one of my notebooks. Not sure when I wrote it but it is definitely connected with the things I've been going through. Hope you enjoy! 

-Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 5 - Hurt

"I've loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more..."

I honestly never thought anyone could so eloquently put my feelings, so perfectly, into a song but Christina Perri absolutely did that. Music is definitely was stirs my pot of emotions. I live in die in each note. Each climactic measure. I remember where I was when I first felt this song. A former student of mine was chosen, by a colleague, to do a solo to this dance. I balled my eyes out at that performance. Screaming and cheering so loudly for her that I lost my voice during that show. It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. These feelings...these memories live vividly on in my mind and keep me connected to all the little hands and feet that I've encountered over the years. I was so overwhelmed with emotion just now that I had to retreat to the bathroom to cry my eyes out. My son is in my bed and there's a part of me that doesn't want him to ever see me in the state that I'm in. Not just sad tears...happy tears...confused tears...tears because I miss my kids...tears because I am always so proud of them....just tears...

I've been so hurt in the past week. I always seem to feel played when my relationships end. I always seem to give more of myself than my partner is willing to give of themselves to me. I've lost money, property and so much time investing in those who aren't truly willing to invest in me. My husband has stolen my bank card, depleted my bank account, pawned wedding rings I've purchased, hidden tv's I've purchased...all types of dumb shit. I was so angry last week that I was ready to block my blessings to be petty. Now I've always been very free with my money. I've been raised and taught that "all of life's problems can be solved with either time or money" so there is no need to worry. People who lack moral standards have no problem using that to their advantage. I've loaned money...just given it away and had it stolen from me...but guess what...I'M STILL STANDING & I'M STILL BLESSED.

I can be hurt about these things but I can't let it break me. I can't let people's lack of home training and morals turn me into one of THEM. I think that is why I'm envied sometimes. Now, I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I've been blessed with parents who make sure that I'm good in all circumstances and a great family and friend support system. I'm truly thankful for that and, anyone who knows me knows that, I am always willing to share my family with my friends. I'm always willing to include everyone in my family circle because that's who I am to the core of my being. I love. I want to love. I AM love. It just hurts to know that the world isn't like you. It hurts to grow up in this fairytale of happily ever after that, right now, doesn't exist. I KNOW that my match is out there and I guess I'm just over here preparing myself for that meeting...

~Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 4 - Acceptance

Hey guys! I know I haven't blogged in a little minute and I'm sorry! I've had an eventful and busy weekend. My family has an annual luau and that was this past Saturday. Now that the main event of my summer is over, it gives me more time to devote to my thoughts and my healing process. Still outraged by the events occurring in my country, it was nice to take a breather and enjoy some leisure time with my family and friends. I always try to invite new people I've connected with, but God shows me who is actually down for me and who isn't.

I took a moment to catch up on my ghetto stereotypical television today...namely Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. I know I know...what am I, a conscious woman, doing watching that crap? Well...I enjoy the bullshit...and I know I need to stop indulging and making their ratings go up. It's like the stupid ghetto fights I used to watch. I guess when I'm truly over it, I will be. But that's not why I brought it up anyway! Waka Flocka's wife Tammy...to see that hurt in her eyes and hear the pain in her voice made me breakdown. I know that feeling all too well. It was also very heartbreaking to see Deb breakdown for their marriage as well. Sometimes you just cant help but feel like it's your fault when things fall apart but we MUST realize that there are two people in every relationship. Whether a friendship, or partnership, there are two people involved who have to be just as committed as each other to make it work. It just sucks to know that so many men seem to have lost the true meaning of working for their relationships.

I've met a lot of males who think that there is no need to date or romance their partner after getting married and it just baffles my mind. I've also met a lot of males who think a woman should just be submissive regardless of her treatment or expectations from her husband and/or partner. The main point of courting (dating for you 90's babies) a female is to show her your qualities and why she should choose you over any other males who may be showing interest. It is supposed to continue because it shows your woman how appreciative and in love you STILL are. Now this doesn't just go for the males... us women must also remember to always encourage and support our men...take THEM out on dates. These things go HAND IN HAND.

I always seem to find myself back in the place I said I wouldn't be, and this time isn't any different. BUT this time I have realized that a few hours of "bliss" doesn't excuse the years of unhappiness and abuse. I hate that my husband doesn't get it. I hate that there is a part of me that still feels like he will. I hate that there is a part of me that will never let go. I've just learned that I need to love him from a distance...regardless of how much it sucks to me, it's ME who I am protecting.

-Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 3 - Lonliness

I've been able to hold myself together pretty well in the last couple of weeks since my official liberation but TODAY has been the worst. I don't even smoke cigarettes and I had to go to the store to get one. I've been besides myself all day with news of more black men being gunned down by police...black men being hung. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AMERIKKKA? Just the fact that the KKK is still in existence shows me how racist America is... While y'all are worried about ISIS, us black folk are worried about the KKK, NYPD, BRPD, regular gun toting white people in "stand your ground" states...the list goes on.

It's hard to deal with intense emotions, alone, when all you want to do is be held by someone who understands you and knows how to make the pain feel less substantial. There is no one to hold me. There is no one to wipe away the endless tears that have been streaming from my face. BEING BLACK IN AMERICA IS STILL ILLEGAL. Everything else will be legalized but being black will still NOT be ok in white America's eyes. This shit is sickening. What do I tell my son? How can I possibly protect him? I fucking can't! I just keep thinking: What if that was my husband? What if that was my son? My father? My cousin? My uncle? My nephew. My son's father? ME?

These are the nights when I cringe at the fact of being alone. These are the nights where I want to run to him and hug him because I fear for his life! These are the nights where I wish things were different and I wish things could go back to being the same. These are the nights where a war rages on between my mind and my heart.

I've, personally, seen officers menacing young men in my old neighborhood of East, NY for NO REASON. I've had to walk in the street because their patrol cars were parked on the sidewalk and blocking the walkway. I've had to reverse down a one way street because a cop car was completely blocking a street to converse. I've had an officer, that knew nothing of my husband or my family, say "go ahead and enjoy your one weekend with your kids." I've been mishandled by police and honestly I'M FUCKING OVER IT.


http://www.cbpm.org/index.html <~~~~~~ Please check them out and if you're compelled to, join the movement. For me...NO JUSTICE. NO PEACE. #BLACKLIVESMATTER

-Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 2 - Frustration

Today has been an emotional roller coaster but the emotion I would choose over them all is Frustration. With everything going on in Black America and the newest murders by police officers that were hired to PROTECT AND SERVE...it's just been too much for me. I'm raising a black boy in America and the idea that he might be killed because an officer didn't protect and serve is disgustingly heartbreaking. Social media is a wonderful place to trigger all your fears and anxieties.

Tonight I feel lonely. I usually do, but I've decided not to drown my sorrows with alcohol. A necessary detox ever so often cause I LUV THE SAUCE lol. Nights like these are the hardest. Nights like these I have to remind myself of the hurt just in order to convince myself to stay where I'm at. I'm KNOWN for initiating a conversation and jumping in my car in the middle of the night just to feel his embrace. Nothing ever gets dealt with...just our carnal desires and needs get fulfilled. I don't want that this time. I don't even really know if I want change. I do have to admit that during our last reconciliation, my husband made great strides to change but, in my opinion, whenever you choose to be petty or choose to keep things in disarray, that's taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

I NEED TO BE CHERISHED! I spent a lot of time being a great wife and mother. For those of you who personally know me, you know, I am NOT the domestic type. I'm a spoiled only child who didn't have chores. So for me to become the wife I was...was, and still is, amazing. I spent a lot of time feeling good about the new role I had, and he seemed to spend a lot of time complaining about something I didn't do. I had to recondition my thinking and realize that it wasn't me AT ALL. The statement "misery loves company" is very true because he was miserable with his job and he would come home and want me to join him in that misery. Marriage is about supporting one another but you can't support someone who isn't openly communicating what they are going through and how they feel.

Ultimately I do want my husband and I to have a great relationship even if it's only a friendship. I'm not the type to burn bridges. I'm friends with all my exes (unless they did something foul to me). I just think that if you loved someone and spent so much time with them, why would the friendship end when the relationship does? I honestly try to live my life under the AGAPE love umbrella...I just need to learn when NOT to give so much of myself because of that.

-Yoshi

#HealtheHurt Day 1 - The Beginning

Deciding to do this blog (and ACTUALLY keep up with it) is going to be a task within itself. Sometimes I feel like it's so difficult for me to gather my thoughts and put them into something cohesive. I've been battling with writers block for YEARS and, honestly, writing might actually help.

I've been on a roller coaster ride of love ALL MY LIFE. As I've gotten older, I've realized that my relationship issues stem from deep seeded daddy issues that were never realized...BUT I'll save that for another blog. I consider myself the type that loves hard and falls in love with potential. I will see the core essence of a person's being and fall madly in love with that. Idk...it's just innate in me to look past someone's faults and see the gleaming light inside their soul. Sooooo...most of the time, my relationships are extremely passionate but that same intensity comes when that passion turns into a raging blazing fire of craziness.

I got married on 2/23/12 and was separated on 11/18/2013. I've actually been separated longer than I've been married. Reason for my separation you ask? DV. Domestic Violence. Sigh... The abuse actually started way before he hit me, but it all came to a head early that November morning. Insecure from infidelity issues in the beginning of our relationship (I cheated), my husband woke me from my sleep around 3 or 4am and accused me of being with my son's father. The back story is that my husband was always checking my movements (time it took me to get home, etc.) and ALWAYS wanted me to tell him my EVERY move. When my son's father picked him up from my apartment, and my husband, my husband forgot to give my BF my son's book bag for school and I ended up dropping it prior to church one Sunday morning. I forgot to mention those things (completely innocent movements btw) and I deleted the evidence (text messages) because I figured not telling him completely would be better than telling him after-the-fact. Yea...I was already being abused at that point and was trying to save myself the aggravation and argument.

Did you guys know that we (Samsung users) used to have a master log that, not only contained your call log, but told you every text, call and whatever that went out and came in to your phone?!?!?! I didn't know that shit! I mean, I'm not the prying type and I honestly could care less what you do in and on your phone. ANYWAY, my husband checked that log and realized that I hadn't mentioned everything. Long story short, I ended up getting punched in the face and leaving. Since that night, we have tried to reconcile here and there, but I've always felt like it was me who initiated the conversations and, ultimately, the reconciliations. I would call or text with "how could you do this to me?" "You ruined my life," or something of that nature. Honestly, loneliness would put me in his arms sooner than it should have, and the last time we tried to reconcile was at the latter end of February of this year.

Ugh...the things I've seen, felt and dealt with this last time were THE WORST. I've matured and grown over the years of our separation, so I guess I was more understanding than I should've been, BUT I'VE ALREADY TOLD Y'ALL MY DAMN PROBLEM (lol). Idk...I saw the red flags, but was just trying to push through because I really do take marriage seriously and didn't want to get a divorce without giving this LAST CHANCE everything I had. So now I'm here trying to deal with these damn emotions because, yea...it didn't work. So I'm hoping you guys can help me to #HealtheHurt and I'm hoping that I can help others heal their hurt with this 30 day blog. Day 1 down! WE CAN DO THIS!!!!

-Yoshi

What Now?

I remember it like it was yesterday. One of those defining days that change your life and perspective forever. It was supposed to be a fun-filled family outing but, little did I know, it was the beginning of the end. I can still see the smiles and hear the laughter; all the fun I wasn't a part of. I remember having to fake the smiles. Having to force back the tears. I can see the faces of our sons and remember trying to be so strong for them. I was dying inside. Screaming for help but no one noticed. All that could be seen was the seemingly happy blended family that we had become. No one saw the disconnect. No one saw the pain. No one felt...Me.

Why would the DJ pick THIS song? Out of all the songs in the universe, he chooses this one to end the day. Did he see me? Did he pick up on the pain everyone else chose not to see? Did he know how desperate and desolate I felt? Did he know? The wheels under my feet glided to the rhythm of my heart expressed through this song. I shed silent tears as I sang my heart out. There was no one on that floor but me. Me and my emotions...

I wonder if the DJ knew...What Now?

My Influenster Vidal Sassoon VoxBox

I feel like I haven't been here in forever! Anywho...Hey Guys! I just had to share this:

So I get an email saying that I was invited to an online community where I could try out free stuff and share my thoughts for more free stuff; Influenster. Now, anyone who knows me knows, I LOVE free stuff. My favorite price is "free.99." I also love to try new products, places of business, foods, clothing choices, hairstyles...and the list goes on and on. So, why not right?

After doing some initial sign up stuff and a couple surveys, I ended up qualifying to try out Vidal Sassoon's Pro Series Moisture and Repair system VoxBox. Oh my excitement when my very first VoxBox reached my fingers! It came at a perfect time because my hair really needed some TLC after having some heat damage.  Being natural, and being so for over 5 years, my hair tends to go through different stages. Being blonde, when my natural color is dark brown, doesn't help the cause either.

My natural texture is very tightly curled and I'm usually wash and wear, but when fall and winter start to creep in, this New Yorker has to find other options. So I blow it out and flat iron it during the colder months. When I started to wash my hair, with the VS Moisture shampoo, I noticed that it lathered so much with just a lil bit of shampoo. I loved that! Even though I have a Mohawk, my thick hair usually requires a lot of everything. The shampoo left my hair smelling and feeling clean. I was expecting to have to use a lot of condition, but a little was more than enough as well. My hair ended up feeling soft and rejuvenated.

My absolute favorite though? The VS Repair Spray Heat Protect & Shine. It fascinated me because the solution is separate until you shake well to blend. I had straightened my hair, prior to needing this wash, and I used a different heat protectant spray. My tips were left brittle and rigid. This spray left my hair soft, silky and smooth! Just the difference in my tips ALONE is enough for me to give away that other spray and make the switch. I've even been raving about it when people ask about my hair. Is thrive on being able to do my own hair, at home, and Vidal Sassoon has really made some great at-home products to give you salon results. Below was the end result.

I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes and I got a great new do! truly recommend this system. Try it and tell me what you think!

BLESSINGS

Russian Roulette

Time elapses yet nothing changes. Strength becomes weakness over time without it even being known. Am I so different now compared to then? My thoughts feel so loosely connected that once I form a thought, it dissipates before it's complete. Too many thoughts. Too many emotions. Yet no time. I want to tell my feelings that they're so trivial and unimportant to the big scheme of things, but they don't listen. This is the most "like a girl" I've felt in a long time. The vulnerability of it all is tedious and irritating.

I find myself clinging to a thought...and we just spoke about my damn thoughts...or is it a dream...or is it a fantasy? Confusion adds an extra unwanted element. I was just so sure. What changed?

Distances

It's been such a long time since I've written down my grievances of life. It's been increasingly difficult to narrow down and focus on this or that...so I don't. I usually just smile and roll with the punches. I take my light very seriously. I believe that all of us have been born with a choice...either to be a light among the darkness or to add to the darkness that is already there. The next generation always shows the shortcomings of the previous because the transitions are missing...but that's neither here or there.

I've been more stressed in this season than I have been in my entire life! As I sit here I chuckle to myself because God has been dealing with me! I've been taking my ministry very seriously and God has been equalling my seriousness to service. He's making me strong so I can encourage anyone and I'm blessed for that...but man do these trials SUCK!!!

Balancing a hectic professional life, a growing family and a call to service can be impossible without the right tools. I've always had to stand on my own, but as things start to mount up and pile, that stance has become even more evident. Every situation I find myself in...echoes hurt feelings I've always felt. It always feels like if I say it, it doesn't matter, but if someone else says it, everything must stop. I've always asked "Who do the superheroes call when they need to be saved?" Guess that's something that's not humanly possible...

No Looking Back...

"The world judges me on the decisions I've made, but they didn't see the options I had to choose from."

No one really knows my story. Just paragraphs and pages...statements scattered among the wind. As I walk this journey, ascend this climb, search for the meaning of life, try yet again and fail, seek and find, ask and discover, sin and repent, pray and fast, work and play, live and breath in this amazing yet strangely scary place called life on Earth, I take bits and pieces of the knowledge that has been bestowed upon me and condense them into the concepts in which create...Me. I can truly say I have a testimony. I really came from a dark place. When I think, of where I came from, it's hard for me to even connect with that person which was me... Those times seem so far and forgone...yet, so close.

Sometimes I feel so connected to myself and then...I don't. What has become of that metaphysical bond between my mind, body and soul? Pieces of my past still linger 'til this day and make it difficult to free the person who is within me. I've gotten better...but there's still a part of me that is hesitant to surface. It clings to the closest parts of me and holds on tight. I fight with myself because of this. I'm not even sure if this is not who I am...even though that may sound crazy.

But...I'm optimistic of the future. I'm letting go of some of the layers I've collected over the years. I'm allowing myself to be guided by the Holy Spirit and there's no looking back. I'm grateful for where I am and where the Lord is taking me. I'm trying to go back to the expressive, explosive enigma I love to be! As always I keep certain things in mind:

"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."- Psalms 139:14

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." - Psalms 51:10

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." - Psalms 126: 5

"Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips."- Psalms 141: 3

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Philippians 4: 13

Hello

For some reason...my broken feeling still lingers. Sometimes I'm so optimistic for the future, and then there are times in which, I feel, there's just too much damage and there will always be something wrong...with me. Somehow insufficient in some aspect in every solution. As time goes on...the fight in me diminishes. Sigh...

I still find it very hard to write...to express myself in general. I'm so programmed it's ridiculous. It really takes time and determination to undo years of...shit. I guess me coming to everyone else's rescue is a way of rescuing myself...yet I still can't seem to get it right. Sigh...

I'll figure it all out one day...

one lonely night

So...I've been extremely disconnected from my thoughts...my emotions. Everything, lately, has been very surface. Not to say that I'm not giving true and indepth pieces of me, they're just not from the deep intertwining places my bellows used to come from. I used to spend so much time writing. So much time connecting myself with the very substance that sustains me: my thoughts, my opinions, my spiritual connections with the Universe.

Sometimes, I find myself cautiously taking steps forward. Careful of my decisions because of my past judgements. In a way, I haven't forgiven myself for my past transgressions. I'm so hard on myself. Maybe I've put down the pen because it shows me my true self. Hmmm...I don't know.

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Flutters

So...I haven't been having one of the best weeks. I've been feeling overwhelmed and apprehensive and stressed. I've been trying to keep these feelings at bay, but it really hasn't been working. I always have this wall up...and, lately, I've been feeling like a marshmellow amidst stones. I haven't been connecting with the "emotional" me...so this week...being just that...has been difficult.

I keep these walls up to protect myself. I let someone in my gates once, and I wont make that mistake again. Even though I am still an open person, there's certain things I just don't express. I can't express. I'm trapped in my own restrictions of suppression. Hmmm...

Sometimes I just need to be held and babied and treated like a girl. I know I usually don't personify that...but I'm a girl afterall. I need to be held and told everything will be ok. Held and told not to stress...that I don't have to do it alone...sigh.

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Easter.

Today was a, kind of, up and down type of day. Church was a blessing. Family dinner was great...and then there was rain. I mean, I did get a flat...but that's not important.

I had a long conversation with my son's father. Now...my son knows his father very well. Don't get it twisted. He's a great father...just a horrible boyfriend. Anywho: it was an interesting conversation, but it did leave me feeling some type of way. Hmm. Just know I got one eye to the sky.

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